Screwed Up

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails  over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I  no longer open a bathroom door without  using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice  water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon  peel.

I  can’t use the remote in a hotel room because  I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through  the adult movie channels.

I  can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only  imagine what has happened on it since it was last  washed.

I  have trouble shaking hands with  someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while  driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating  a little snack sends me on a guilt trip  because I can only imagine how  many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the  years.

I  can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear  she has placed it on the floor of a public  bathroom.

I  MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever  sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I  now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs  sealing.

ALSO,  now I have to scrub the  top of every can I open for the same reason.

I  no longer have any savings because I  gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the   1,387,258th time.

I  no longer have any money, but that  will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and  AOL are sending me for  participating in their special e-mail  program.


I  can’t have a drink in a bar because  I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys  gone.

I  can’t eat at KFC because their chickens  are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or   feathers.

I  can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like  a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS  TO YOU I have learned that my  prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my  friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE  OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca  Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I  no longer buy gas without taking  someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in  my back seat when I’m filling up.

I  no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the  people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put  ‘Under God’ on their  cans.

I  no longer use Cling Wrap in the  microwave because it causes seven different types of  cancer.

AND  THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t  boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up  in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no  longer go to the movies because I  could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit   down.

I no  longer go to shopping malls because  someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob  me.

I  no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex  since they are actually  Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no  longer answer the phone because someone will ask  me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to  Jamaica ,  Uganda ,  Singapore , and  Uzbekistan  .

I  no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their  recipe.

THANKS  TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s  toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the  seat and cause me instant death when it bites my  butt.

AND  THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t  even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably  was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend  over.

I  no longer drive my car because  buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas  from all the others supports South American  dictators.

I  can’t do any gardening because I’m  afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will  fall off.

If  you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70  minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00  p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest  your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur  because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door  neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best  friend’s beautician . .  .

Oh,  by the way.....

A  German scientist from Argentina , after a  lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain  activity read their e-mail with their hand on the  mouse.

Don’t  bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P.  S.: I now  keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail  that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the  toilet

Disclosure:  I did not receive any form of compensation for this post.